Bandmates Starting to Suspect that Drummer’s New Girlfriend is Actually Just Paid Laborer Hired to Help Him Carry His Gear
PHILADELPHIA, Pa. — Chris Clayton, drummer for local post-hardcore band Oat Milk Nightmare, is under intense scrutiny this week for his suspicious relationship with a mysterious new woman who some sources allege may in fact be a private contractor hired to assist him with his gear.
The couple, who allegedly met on Bumble and have been in a relationship for around 6 weeks, began to arouse suspicions almost immediately, according to bassist Ryan Anderson. “I caught a glimpse of a note he gave her after a show one night thinking it would be a set list or some cheesy shit like that,” Anderson claims. “It was dark so I couldn’t see much, but I could have sworn that it was a 1099-MISC independent contractor tax form. It was at that point that I realized something was up.”
Anderson is not the only member of the band who noticed the pair’s questionable behavior. Guitarist Anthony Davis, visibly intoxicated and damp, confessed to sources after his latest show that Clayton’s suspicious relationship with the mystery girlfriend/contractor is beginning to impact the band.
“I tried to do a line I found backstage after our set, but instead of coke it turned out to be whey protein,” Davis explained with shaking hands. “I thought they were trying to fucking poison me.”
“Ever since he started seeing this new girl, practice has been different. Now, instead of reluctantly jamming out with the dudes halfheartedly for hours because it would be too inconvenient to take apart his kit by himself, she loads up his gear in like 10 seconds flat and he’s gone. I think she’s on steroids,” speculated Davis.
Regardless of whether their relationship is rooted in love or in paid physical labor, vocalist Joel Svenson reportedly has only one fear: that Clayton will change for this mystery woman. “It’s just not him. I saw him texting her the other day, and instead of saying the usual stuff he says to his girlfriends like “I love you” and “Can you cover my half of the rent this month”, all they were talking about were various lifting techniques to minimize lumbar strain. It doesn’t make any sense.”
“Listen, I once watched that guy share needles with a bum outside The Orpheum 5 minutes before soundcheck. There’s just no way all that pre-workout he keeps in his stick bag is for him.”
According to Davis, tensions are still high as the group scrambles to ascertain the threat that this unidentified figure may pose to the continued success of the band. When Davis attempted to call a band meeting about the issue, Clayton’s love interest and rumored drum tech simply stood in the corner wrapping cables with suspicious precision while making direct eye contact with keyboard player Jeremy Franklin.
“Now he has all this time on his hands for self-improvement, and it’s taking a toll on the band,” says Franklin. “After our last show I looked over expecting to see him escaping to the parking lot to nurse a PBR for 2 hours, but instead of just leaving his kit there and hoping the next band would disassemble it for him, I spotted him networking in the audience. Before I found him he’d already met 2 label reps and gotten us 43 new Instagram followers. The thing is, if we make too much money at shows, my child support payments kick in, and we can’t have that. This bitch has to go.”
The mystery woman in question was last spotted leaving Guitar Center with bleeding knuckles and a garbage bag full of Vic Firth 5As. At press time, Clayton has issued a “public statement” regarding his involvement with his unnamed partner by posting a self-taught drum cover of “My Girlfriend is A Licensed Contractor Whom I Am Paying to Help Me Load My Gear” by La Dispute.
