Bold Christmas Marketing Move: CVS is Now Selling Advent Calendars Filled With Abandoned Prescriptions
During the holiday season, we all struggle to find gifts that will please the whole family. CVS Pharmacy has finally created a solution to this age old problem: illegally dispensed prescription medication. With the CVS Script-mas™ Pharmaceutical Sampler Advent Calendar (available online for $19.99 + tax), there’s bound to be a substance for everyone on your gift list this year!
Legal consequences be damned, CVS is truly tapping into the holiday spirit and spreading joy everywhere, if “joy” can be defined as a random assortment of abandoned prescription medications. It’s a Christmas miracle!
For pharmacist Jerry Hauser, 37, the exciting element of surprise and risk of potentially horrible medical consequences add to the thrill of the season.
“The holidays are about giving back, and for us, that means dispensing assorted pills to people they aren’t prescribed to. Every day, it’s a new surprise. Is it a 30 day antibiotic course? Maybe. 18 vials of canine insulin? Who knows? That’s what Christmas is all about.”
Despite the nebulous legality of this bold marketing move, customer satisfaction is through the roof this holiday season. “That expired bottle of cough syrup was just what my punch recipe needed to really get the Christmas party going,” reported CVS shopper Dolores Miller, 63. “My husband slept for 16 hours straight!”
Pharmacy tech Aaron Smith, 24, has been looking forward to opening his calendar every day. “Yesterday, my grandma found an extra dose of her fibromyalgia medication. Today, I got a week’s worth of expired painkillers,” reported Smith. “It’s like Secret Santa, but with the added gamble of medically incapacitating side effects or a killer fucking high.”
As an extra gift to their customers, shoppers who order the CVS Script-mas™ Pharmaceutical Sampler Advent Calendar before December 24th will receive the upgraded Script-mas™ Plus+™ Calendar, guaranteeing an extra handful of assorted Schedule 1 or 2 drugs in each order coated in all your favorite holiday flavors. Enjoy a limited edition sugar plum Ambien under the tree this year thanks to CVS!
Please consult your doctor before purchasing the CVS Script-mas™ Pharmaceutical Sampler Advent Calendar. Side effects may include:
- Fatigue
- Muscle weakness
- Joint pain
- Upset stomach
- Blurred vision
- Increased heart rate
- Changes in weight or appetite
- Kidney damage
- Liver dysfunction
- Respiratory distress
- Blood clotting disorders
- Thyroid dysfunction
- Pancreatitis
- Neurological disorders
- Hearing or vision impairments
- Seizures
- Organ failure
- Stroke
- Heart attack
- Paralysis
- Psychosis
- Coma
- Infertility
- Birth defects
- Immunodeficiency
- Drug addiction
- Chronic pain
- Degenerative joint disease
- Cognitive decline
- Endocrine disorders
- Chronic respiratory conditions
- Autoimmune diseases
- Impaired fertility
- Osteoporosis
- Pulmonary fibrosis
- Asthma exacerbation
- Pleuritis
- Pneumonitis
- Respiratory failure
- Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD)
- Bronchospasm
- Interstitial lung disease
- Hypoxia
- Pulmonary edema
- Death
