Inside Local Man’s New Side Hustle: Just Fucking Stealing

Life hack! This guy we met at the corner store on 49th just shared his secret to financial success, and we can’t believe we didn’t think of this simple new side hustle sooner.

This local man, unnamed due to his bitch parole officer Ellen, has boldly chosen to tap into the untouched market of other peoples’ belongings with a business model that is nothing short of revolutionary: just fucking stealing. In a labor market full of grueling 9–5s and unpredictable side gigs, his unapologetic approach to financial prosperity is as groundbreaking as it is flagrantly illegal.

In an exclusive interview with the innovative entrepreneur while he was filling up his Polar Pop, we learned more about this wild new side hustle. The local man revealed that by just fucking stealing, he has been able to make money moves he never thought possible when operating within the scope of the law; a true testament to the power of positive thinking and blatant theft.

We, for one, can’t wait to try out this exciting, and more importantly, wildly illegal trend. Stay tuned for more updates.